January 30, 2013. Entry #2

God. I’m such an awful son.

I make things so much harder on my mother. I barely help around the house, I sleep all day, I almost never talk to her, I’m barely trudging my way through my last year of highschool,

And over the past 4 years, I’ve skipped school so much that she gets so much shit from the school that I can’t actually be sick without the school bothering her about it.
Luckily I graduate this year(Maybe.), and that won’t be a problem anymore. I dunno. I just feel bad for adding all this trouble, and I’m too much of a wuss to tell her I’m sorry for it myself. I’m sorry I can’t talk to my mother without feeling awkward. She’s my mother, it shouldn’t be hard for me to have a casual conversation with her. The only time I can talk to my mother is when other people are present, but I can’t do it on my own. 

Like, what kind of son can’t talk to his own mother? I feel like I disappoint her, but I’m pretty sure it’s just because I don’t tell her anything. 

She’s asked me if I’m depressed, or if there’s ever something bothering me and I just tell her no. I always tell her no. I tell that I’m perfectly fine. But I’m not and I feel like things would be easier if I told her. Like, told her everything. Told her that I am depressed and that I’m not a very happy person in general and tell her that I like guys. But I’m too afraid to do it. Despite the fact I know she’ll support me and I know she won’t have any problems with it, I’m still too scared.

And I don’t know why.

January 23, 2013. Entry #1

Hello tumblr, my name is [REDACTED]. I have been a part of tumblr for about a year now on another blog, one with a much different focus than this one. This is going to be a blog about me. A blog about my feelings and a few stories here or there. In some way, this is going to be my not so private diary, for anyone who stumbles across this blog to see. I’m not the best writer, but I will try my best to make my entries organized and readable. Now as you may have noticed, I cut my name out of the entry. This will be a regular thing. Reason being is, this is a private blog. I don’t want anyone from my other blog to realize that this is me if they were to stumble upon it. Same goes for anyone I know in person who may possibly come across it. It is simply a defense mechanism, I apologize if this causes any inconvenience.

To get this blog rolling, I’d like to tell you a bit about myself. For starters, I am a seventeen year old, gay male and I am a senior in high school. I don’t have many friends outside of the internet, and I consider myself very awkward and introverted. I have many friends on the internet, yet a lot of the time they only come to me when they need help with something. That’s okay though, I don’t mind. I’ve been taught that I am very good at giving advice, so if you ever need to ask me something, feel free. I will try my best to help you. I am currently in a relationship, but this is where the real problems begin.

My relationship is long distance. My boyfriend lives in Canada, while I live in the United States. Yet, that isn’t the issue. The issue is there is another boy. The other boy I met long ago, and have been in love with since the day I met him. He also lives far from me. We are in the same country, but he is still far away. We met through tumblr and for the longest time, I was in love with him. I’m afraid I still might be. He taught me so much about myself. Before I met him, I didn’t know I’d need love in my life. I felt as if I’d be okay alone. I’d be okay taking care of myself and no one else. Yet I was wrong. I was so very wrong. Meeting him taught me so much, meeting him helped me get out of a long lasting depression and finally pick myself up off of my ass…and I loved him. Yet, he didn’t love me back.

Or so he claimed.

The day we met he told me he was bisexual, and I was okay with that. Yet, not much longer later, he claimed to be straight. This was a common issue between us. He would often change his mind, but I knew why. He was afraid. Afraid of his attraction towards other males, and that’s understandable. That’s okay. I tried my best to help him overcome it. Yet, every time I got close, he quickly drew back. It may be selfish for me to believe so, but I am sure he had some kind of feelings for me. On multiple occasions he told me he loved me and that every moment of talking to me was worth it, yet…he never acted on it. He never gave me a chance to show him what we could become. So I tried to move on. It took months to finally do so…and yet….I still find myself thinking about him. Despite the fact I have a boyfriend. When I listen to love songs, I don’t think of my boyfriend, I think of him. 

I feel awful about it. I feel absolutely horrible. I don’t want to break another heart, I’ve already done it once, and it was awful. But how can I sit here and lie to myself the way I do? It’s hard and it hurts, and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have communication troubles, we don’t talk a lot and it worries me because it only further confirms the idea that we may not love each other after all. I thought I was finally done with all of these feelings but…what I think I may have done was…I was so desperate for that love that…once someone felt something for me, I took that chance by the handle and rushed into it. I think he rushed into it as well, but I can’t be sure. 

All of this scares me. I am frightened. For multiple reasons. I’m afraid for my relationship, I’m afraid for the well being of my boyfriend, and most of all…I’m afraid I’ll never fall out of love with this other boy. Meeting this other boy changed my life in a way I can hardly begin to explain. He has taught me so much and made me feel so many things. He has made me feel things I’ve never felt before and it scares me. It scares me so much because…I feel like I had my one true love attached to me by a string, but I lost my chance. I feel like that string is now broken and there is nothing I can do to re-attach it and start it all over to earn myself another chance.

I’m afraid that if I can’t end up with him that…I will never be truly happy.